Wow

i haven’t felt so alone in a while. My heart is actually aching.
Whatever, i’m just gonna watch a movie, this has been an update.

I hate my body today

i hate it i hate it i hate it, feels like i gained 100 pounds overnight. I want to rip my skin off.
God, how am i supposed to feel better when all i can think about is the fat on my thighs and my chubby face and my awful hair.

When i think

that i will always struggle with my eating disorder and that i will always have the urge to binge and purge all i want to do is die. I can’t handle these feelings, i know i will relapse someday, i just know it. I’m almost three months binge and purge free but i’m losing my mind. I’m stuck in my own life, i don’t know how to change things and all i want to do is binge and purge and feeling numb.

Holy fuck i want to binge so bad

i’m restless as fuck, i have some kind of stomach ache and i can’t stand days like these anymore
i just want to eat all the food and not feeling anything for a while, i think i’m going crazy and i’m acting like a psycho, good times.

I’M RESTLESS AS FUCK.

I need to start living my life and i don’t know how.

FUCK FUCK FUCK SHIT FUCK.

One month binge and purge free!!

WUT.

I’d like to tell my mom about it but it’s too soon, i could relapse anytime. I’d like to celebrate but i don’t see how.
Well, whatever, i’m just going to crash on my bed and watch tv. FOREVER ALONE LIKE A BOSS.

I’m making vegan brownies tomorrow and i’m pretty excited about it, that’s how i’m going to celebrate! Fuck calories and fuck big thighs.

I was going to say YOLO but just.. no.

I’m having a bad day,

i’m homesick, i feel fat, well, i AM fat, i don’t think i’ll be able to stay positive today, i was supposed to go out but i’m not leaving the house, i keep looking at myself in the mirror and i honestly can’t believe what i see. I’m sorry, i’m so sorry, i’m letting my fucking ed win today but i won’t binge and i won’t purge, i’ll just be sad for a while. 

I know

i shouldn’t be “mad” at other people for not knowing, noticing or giving a crap about my recovery but sometimes a “wow, you’re doing great” or “good job!” or “how are you today?” would be just nice, i know it’s nobody business but it hurts. And i know it’s a a childish vent and i’m sorry. I’ll be stronger at the end of this and i’ll be forever proud of how i’m dealing with this whole ed thing, i just had to whine a little bit about it. 
Off to make a giant healthy salad, let’s eat the sadness away with yummy food :)

I need my daily dose of Opie Winston.

I’m such a fangirl, off to watch Sons of anarchy bitcheeees (ok sorry)