After fighting for the longest time, maybe you will get out. Maybe, after numerous slip ups and times that were so hard you thought you’d die, you recover. It takes a while. Even after you’ve eaten right for months and months your body still isn’t the same. You start to wonder if it will ever be the same again. It might, but you won’t. No. This will always be a part of you, it will never go away. Years later it will still be with you, you will still have those moments. Sometimes you’ll pass a mirror and suddenly be three times larger than you really are. You’ll panic, you’ll shake your head, trying to clear the image away. Something will happen in your life, maybe you’ll lose your job. Something will happen to take away your control and you’ll try to gain it back through starving. You will NEVER be the same. You’ll see an article on someone with an eating disorder and you’ll start to cry, remembering that terrible pain. I’m not talking about the physical pain. That’s the only pain I described, because it’s the only part that’s describable. There are no words for the mental anguish. It can never be described. It’s unimaginable. You’ll never feel another pain like that, another pain so filled with self loathing, vulnerability, terror, rage, desolation.